Control is key. Of all the things i learnt it from, i learnt it from a movie called "Wanted" with minimal meaningful plot.
But the importance cannot be overstated. And I am taking control, slowly. And I LIKE IT
PS wanna watch Control! about the Joy Division frontman.
I have always… harboured…a terrible secret. Now it threatens to spill out, beyond my imaginable reach. I am stupefying. I am dangerous. I am terrible. I am spoilt.
I am free, roaming, restless, odd and out of sorts.
I am fallen, again, after so long.
If you could lose everything again, after struggling to rebuild the tattered remains, would you risk it? And if I told you, if you chose not to, you would still lose everything…?
What a horrible choice. What a tremendous fate. What a dangerous and interesing life I lead. If I could REDO it all, what would it all fall to?
If I fell, would I rise again? If I refused to fall, but was snatched down with a fiery whip from a great balrog; if the light came from within; if all I could give was taken away… when all I could do was give and give, and all they wanted was their own?
Unfortunately, what ifs don’t solve anything. I don’t know what the future brings, because I am no futureseer nor precognitive. I can only forecast, with what I knew.
And it takes all I have to remain with the know.
I am so tired. I ask why, I must face the trials again. Yet even as it is asked, the information is withheld, because it is deemed too dangerous for my own good.
I am too powerful for my own good. I know too much. I know so little. Everything is lost, and so much is gained.
Control
is key.
Once
Golden Compass
Other odds and ends, other films I wanna watch.
We shall see
Its odd. Well, life is, definitely. I just handled the new bicycle for MO on call in IMH. Its nice, shiny, new, with a nice lock and a loud bell! No gears though.
Its got a little touch though - it smells of gun oil . Isn’t that fascinating? I had trouble recalling that smell at first, because I haven’t smelt it for 7 years. But it reminds of me that gunmetal feel, that odd sense of simultaneous longing and dread, unforgettable camaraderie and kinship, the hatred and the pain…
I can smell it.
I have had a mortal fear, for some years. It doesn’t intrude into my mind, but it does pop up from time to time to haunt me.
At age 17 I contracted measles shortly after the end of my A level exams, and before my enlistment for compulsory national service. I was surprised, as I was vaccinated - as are all kids - against measles when young. My doctor said that while its rare, its also possible to contract measles despite vaccination.
I was terribly sick for 2 weeks, and took a while to recover. I lost about 5+kgs, and it affected my physical fitness. I suspect it affected my subsequent army performance, and hence, the events which affected the rest of my life…
A rare complication of measles is subacute sclerosing panencephalitis, which occurs on average 7-10 years after primary measles infection, but can be as soon as 1 year or less, and as delayed as 16 years. Most cases involve primary infection at age 2 or below. Symptoms include progressive neurological and behavioural deterioration to coma, seizures; it is invariably fatal. Although treatment exists, it helps to ameliorate symptoms and no cure exists.
I am now 24, going 25. It is still possible for me to develop SSPE. I have read reports, although extremely rare, of people who developed SSPE after vaccination.
Either way, I still have a chance - however small - of developing SSPE. It amazes me that I, and I consider myself quite rational, should persistently fear this disease which occurs in less than a million cases of measles. I have brushed aside more dangerous issues and risks, and still I can’t come to terms with this one.
Perhaps this is the penultimate punishment of progressive, painful deterioration, from initial discomfort, fits and pain, to childlike regression, to bedbound semi-consciousness, coma, and eventual death.
Its probably not covered in any insurance policy, either, being so rare.
Ah well. Anywa today, watched a very funny and enlightening movie called The Cup, a Bhutanese film about Tibetan monks.. and soccer! Very nice. I recommend it.
Next up, Samsara, Valley of Flowers, and the Friday collection
I like DVDs/videos. I’ve accumulated a sizable collection including VCDs. Not close to 100 but quite big. Thought I’d post the list on my blog so my pals would know what I have, and can borrow for a small favor. Don’t be shy, I also take cash =) Recently also bought 2 caches of vids, but haven’t written them out onto my master list yet. Will update the newer ones soon
Sorted by region:-
Asian excluding Central Asia and Middle East
Kung Fu Hustle
Seven Samurai
Akira Kurosawa’s complete collection
Twilight Samurai
The Cup
Be with me
The Last Communist
Perth
The World
The Hidden Blade
Eating Air
The Banquet
Curse of the Golden Flower
Storm Riders (Fung Wan)
Mee Pok Man
12 Storeys
Uzumaki
The Shoe Fairy
Midnight my love
European
Dreamship Surprise Period 1
Adam’s Apples
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
36 Quai de’orfevres
Clean
Americas including South America/Central America
Broken Flowers
Napoleon Dynamite
Thank You For Smoking
I heart Huckabees
Zoolander
Little Miss Sunshine
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Innocent Voices
Middle East/Central Asia
Osama
Divine Intervention
Anime/Animation
Desert Punk Sunabouzu
Those who hunt Elves
Night warriors OVA
Family Guy Season 1
Witch Hunter Robin
Gankutsuou
Millennium Actress
Gate Keepers 21
Yami no Matsuei
Wonderful Days
Ghost in the Shell
Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence
Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex
Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex 2nd GIG
Shadow Skill
Yu Yu Hakusho
Completed Phantom Dust a while ago. I liked it quite a lot.
Very strange. It reminded me of a very interesting PC game from a while back, called Fallout - it had a very retro song for its intro sequence, "Maybe" I think it was called? Not sure. Both post apocalyptic worlds.
Work is ok, mostly. Somehow quite tired, maybe cos I caught a bug? I think so, but also I’m kind of emotionally drained. I might need to go on leave soon.
My family friend passed away just a few days ago, and cremated today. Her life could be used to write drama serials, much like my family’s interesting stuff. She’s one of the last generation of bondsmaids aka "ma jie" which were sold to Singapore. Part of their vows include to never marry nor fall in love. Of course, with the modernisation of Singapore, this extremely traditional practise fell out of favor and some of the bondsmaids got married and had kids, etc.
My family friend LS never got married. She took care of 3 generations of my family, and I can imagine how hard it is because my family can be so hard to deal with. I’m not sure of the reasons, but she never married. Of course we supported her financially and so did she support her family back home in China financially.
When LS retired at about age 60-70+, she went back to China, where she stayed for a couple years. I was always given the reason that she couldn’t tolerate the cold weather in China, that’s why she returned to Singapore.
I would later learn that the very family she supported, gave her so much trouble that she chose to leave. This was one of the risks of the "ma jie" profession, but it was part of the vows - for a peasant family living in the rural areas of China, in those turbulent times, life was incredibly tough. It was between starvation and a life of indignity, so they sacrificed themselves for their family.
We understood this, so we cared for her as we could when she returned to SG, and LS stayed with us for a few years, until she decided to try returning to China again. This time she was there about a year or less, and she came back but decided to stay with a friend in Chinatown.
I would later learn that she drew a large chunk of her savings to bring back this 2nd time, and her relatives took it from her in a hurry, and, worse, when she returned she attracted the attention of people who specialised in befriending old people and cheating them of their money. One of them cheated her of her jewellery and some of her savings.
LS later succumbed to a stroke and fell down. She had weakness over half of her body and couldn’t really talk - she could mumble some words, but we couldn’t quite make out what she said. At the time, my family was unable to care for her cos 3 of us were schooling and both my parents are working. We arranged for her to be taken care of at a nursing home and we visited her when we could.
Over the years she suffered another few more strokes and become completely unable to speak. Her condition gradually worsened and she was placed in Bright Vision Hospital, Hope Ward, which I’m told is the ward with the least favorable prognosis.
Her cataracts worsened and she no longer recognised us. That was a few years ago. A few weeks back, my mom got a call saying that her heartbeat occasionally extremely fast - close to 200 - and that her condition could deteriorate soon.
We began to make preparations.
So now she’s gone.
I guess its a lot easier for everyone because her quality of life was extremely poor after her 3rd stroke, and I’m glad her suffering ended, because euthanasia is not allowed in Singapore. Even then, we still have to struggle to help deal with her money, which she still has a small but sizable amount, to distribute to her relatives, and keep away from vultures.
As I told my friend, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…
Through the whole funeral process, I was thinking about how I’d want my funeral to be. I’m quite sure. I want it simple. No monks, no nuns, no chanting of Buddhist scripture, no walking on the road. I want my organs donated, my body donated for research. There’ll be no squabbling over who pays for the funeral, because there’ll be none. Maybe at most a simple wake. I’ll take pains to make a legal document to this effect, because I want no fanfare.
As I told my friends, I want no afterlife. I want to rest forever when I’m dead and gone.
Life does seem better nowadays. I feel more positive, in general… even I’m back to friends with the girl that I liked, life’s good.
Wise men say, only fools rush in.
I’m going to IMH for my next posting. I wonder what it’ll be like…? I’m enjoying my growing collection of DVDs/VCDs, video games et al, and meeting more people. I guess I have more confidence and more energy these months. Even though work is tiring and can be extremely draining.
Hellbent by Kenna
I was struck by someone’s blog which quoted some poetry:-
If you are stricken by poverty, others are chained in debt.
If you don’t have shoes, others have no feet.
If you feel pain now, others have been aching for years.
If your son dies, other have lost many.
- "La Tahzan", Dr Aidh al Qarni
I have been rather upset the past month or so, probably started with my car accident - which my family was extraordinarily supportive - work at a new place, struggling to settle in, falling apart…
This piece is helpful
How difficult can it be to not do something? In my case, extremely easy.
I was talking to a friend of mine recently, she said that its a lot better to have clear boundaries than to have fuzzy areas where people stumble and fall.
I agree.
